To our pets:
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing
your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
Sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space Is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest.
Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite sometime,
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go smell the other
To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following
notice on our front door:
1. The pets live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why it's call "fur-niture".)
3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted
son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
They don't ask for money all the time
They are easier to train
They usually come when called
They don't hang out with drug-using friends
They don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and
If they get pregnant, you can sell the children.